pete's candy store softball

pain in the rain

2011-08-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

dear minions,

it is with abject regret that i must inform you the season is over. essentially, we've been rained out of 2011 softball. neither this week's rain out nor the one earlier in the season will be rescheduled. black betty wanted no part of our game this season. i don't blame them.

playoffs start next week. though the schedule has not been posted, trust that pete's will not be included. there are a number of frustrating factors that contributed to missing the playoffs, rain outs aside. we wound up on the wrong side of too many one run games. it's a growing pain in becoming a mature team that's as smart as it's strong and able. i'm really excited about next season already - you've inspired me.

i'm absolutely positive an end of the year party will be arranged either this coming or the following sunday. i like the idea of having it at my home or at the bar before the playoffs but i'm open to suggestions (please don't turn this into a team uniform thread) that seems to be a semi-tradition of ours. showing up for the championships well fed and a little tipsy makes for less bitter viewing.

alright, thanks for an exciting season, everyone. i wouldn't trade any of you . . .

xo,

the big picture

2011-08-12T13:36:00.000-04:00

well, team, what can i say that wouldn't be offensive and degrading? hmm, if i only use prepositions, i might be able to avoid hurting anyone's feelings but then it would be very difficult to express anything of meaning. how about i just take a look at dom saying good-bye last sunday for a bit and see how i feel then.


"i'll talk to you later, dom. take care."

i, for one, feel much better.

alright, we have one job to do this week and that's to beat black betty, which will be extremely fun; so, you could say that our one job is to have fun . . . but i'm not going to say that. i'm saying our one job is to beat black betty. now, go get 'em!

xo,

don't look back

2011-08-01T13:34:00.000-04:00

let me just say that i've had more fun playing and coaching this season than any previous year. you're all party to a really interesting and talented softball family. aside from our record, we're the envy of the league. fine: aside from our uniforms, we're the envy of the league. alright! aside from the coach we're the envy of the league. there. happy now?

be that as it may, we're played our way to a pretty muddy road to slog. we can do it but it's going to take some sacrifice, grit and heart. personal egos will have to take a back seat to the team but you're still going to need to be confident as an individual. we're not out of it by any measure . . . unless you choose to give up and if you make that choice, know that pete's will get along just fine without you.

easily, the worst part of coaching is working with the incompetents. after that, not knowing who is coming to a game is a major suck-fest. we should be okay with girls this week but i spent way too much time scrambling to find a fill-in this week. it's really not hard to tell me if you're coming or not - that goes for the boys and the girls.

alright, we're starting to hit the ball hard. now we have to hit it where they ain't! runner on second and third must come home. they get lost out there and i worry about them. let's get them home safe and sound.

next up - the mendoza line. we beat them early but that was a long time ago. they can bash the ball but they can get pretty sloppy in the field. everyone's gonna score!

xo,

home stretch

2011-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

hello,

don't know why i didn't post that last bit when i wrote it after the past game, but there it is. i didn't edit one letter. can't recall why it ends with "scant."

you ever ride out the affects of a hard drug cocktail, sitting in a london transport station? me too. anyway, the important thing is to not look desperate. easy prey for all is what you are. it's easy to look desperate when you're sweating and you know, the drugs and the station aren't really the point - the point is that desperate is a bad look. hopefully, beating clem's shook the desperation from our game faces.

having said that, we need to win the rest of our games to make the playoffs. no pressure. stay loose. it's going to be a challenging run but i know we can do it. with max and ed healthy and abbott and ian just showing up, we're in a great position to give any and everyone a run for their money.

it all starts this sunday at eleven on field one against the r bar. let's do it for dom!

xo,

worst rally ever

2011-07-24T21:51:00.000-04:00

i'm not worried. are you worried? don't be. it's not like anything matters, anyway - not the little things, not the big things, not your friends or foes . . . not even the delinquent money your teammates owe for dues and shirts. it's cool. everything will be washed into oblivion when our common star explodes. there will be no trace of love or loss, success or failure, effort or indifference. in essence, dualism will take a heavy hit.

there, doesn't that make everything feel better?

you know, my keyboard works just fine, except for the question mark key, which doesn't work at all. purchasing a new keyboard seems like the thing to do but buying a new one for this old machine would be like installing spinning rims on a wheelchair. i have to google "question mark," copy the wiki version of it and paste it whenever a question seems appropriate . . . doesn't that make everything feel better?

my point is that there is no point. still, i should get a new c[mp9tr or at least a k3yBpard - it would improve my life in both a practical and superficial way. similarly, winning would make our lives better on some stratum that flies in the face of . . . not losing.

quit playing like you're afraid of losing. play like losing isn't an option. scant

player profile: !AN

2011-07-11T10:46:00.001-04:00

[editors note: in lieu of allowing the coach to revisit the game on july 10th in the year 2011, which was nothing short of a fucking shit parade, a new segment is being introduced. these pieces will focus on the individual members of team pcs and will be written in a tone usually reserved for water color paintings of butterflies and viral cat videos.]

ian hits the ball really hard and it usually goes right up the middle for a base hit. when he hits the ball people say to each other (aloud) and themselves (quietly in the brain), "wow - that was a line drive." but he doesn't just hit the ball really hard. he's super fast! just like the wind and jose reyes (that's his favorite baseball player). so, by now you know ian is a fast runner and a hard hitter (yeah!) but did you know he plays the guitar, is big with the ladies and likes birds? all true. the mayor even named the hawks in mccarren park after him - just kidding - lol. simply put - ian would be first on any alphabetized list, if the first letter of the alphabet was "i" . . . and this team just so happens to use an alphabet where "i" is the first letter. yep, ian's #1 on this team!

let's give it up for IAN!!! yay!

mid-day, mid-week, mid-season, mid-homonym

2011-07-06T17:33:00.000-04:00

orangiers!

it's over. it's almost over. don't you shits quit on me. there are few games left, not many. you don't understand. it's okay: i understand and have a way of communicating nebulous concepts like winning to those predisposed to losing. it's almost over but not quite. i'll explain.

quit losing. it's a bad fit for winning and something altogether inconsistent with the point of sport. ahh! abbott just figured this out. the point of sport is to lose as infrequently as possible. not losing at all would be ideal. this winning thing doesn't sound so abstract now, does it?

listen, we've got six games left. don't blow any of them, okay? this win one/lose one crap is playing you right out of the playoffs. to be honest, i didn't think we'd win more than three games the entire year but if we don't win four more you might as have lost them all. ten wins is the minimum for making the playoffs.

starting this sunday with our game against the turkey's teachers, let's win four straight, spend a week at the beach and have a tune-up the week before the playoffs . . .

everyone gonna be there on sunday? let me know.

xo,

winning has a higher value than losing

2011-06-24T00:31:00.000-04:00

well, team, i hope you enjoyed the relative ease with which we won last sunday because this week is going to be a real trial. we'll all be taking the stand as witnesses to our own deeds, mighty fine deeds. okay, since we're talking all legal and stuff, i would be committing perjury to let the record stand as we'll all be taking the stand: ed and lynch will be sequestered for the day. that's fine - a few of you will have break-out games to cover the void. i can feel it but, more importantly, you have to feel it.

this will not be the same a/t team we faced in week one. they've collected a few exceptional talents out there on the left side of the in-and-out-field. they have beat some big names since we last saw them, i.e., betty, rbar, the yankees. anyway, don't take this game for granted. that would be folly and, honestly, not our style at all, not at all.

please let me know if you can't make the game.

hardly any of you owe me monies for shirts and dues . . .

see y'all soon.

yours,

this week: we're doing work.

2011-06-17T00:42:00.001-04:00

dear losers,

did you have fun wearing spike hill's "scarlet" letter all week? assholes. i should have sewn a black "S" on the hats i didn't buy you. shit: i guess you did deserve hats . . . if only to wear the mark of a loser.

i really hope you didn't leave that game feeling upbeat about playing run for run with a great team. they are a great team and they did complement you . . . but that doesn't give us a win, a play-off birth or get us closer to the goal of winning it all. listen, shitheads, i had my doubts, but your play refuses to suggest anything other than that of a winner.

it's time you start playing like a front runner. that's what you are. why fight it? why pretend you're sneaking up on teams? you're not. when you lose, you've been upset . . . act like it.

obviously, second chance has a bull's eye aimed at your head. beating you would make their year. please disappoint them. they deserve at least that much. in case you don't know, they kicked abbott off their team a few years ago for being "different." years of therapy and drinking haven't resolved the loss matt still feels for being dumped, but beating the shit out of his former keeper makes him whole for a day.

do it for abbott!!!!

always,

updated stats . . . and mood. hoo-rah.

2011-06-08T16:22:00.001-04:00

you know, team, there are a bunch of photographers amongst you. no, i'm not trying to encourage anyone to embrace their creative side. i'm saying that most of you own a camera and a few of you make a living taking pictures and because of this i would like to see some candid pictures of our team sent to me for posting purposes. would bounties help motivate any of you? what if pictures of infielders picking their nose were worth $20 (abbott's only worth $5), photos of dom palming the crack of his ass - $2.50 and images of me trying to lose the game are worth a nickle. the price disparity is due to how common each of these poses are. regardless, i'd like to see a few pictures of our next game, which is against the best team in the league - spike hill - better known as the craig's list killers.

thinking back to last sunday, i'm lamenting that their aren't any iconic images of joey taking ball four to force in a run for me to look at with mirthful pride. or maybe a five second video clip of ian's third bloop single, which drove in the winning run, would make nice viewing. whatever - i'm sure you all have your favorite moments.

alright, every game is a big one but this one . . . this game will tell us where we are. i think we can play with anyone but that's not the same as beating everyone. i'm already excited to find out.

great game everyone. if ever there was a team win, beating good company was an exemplary example.

take care,

dream a different dream with me

2011-06-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

orangiers,

i had this dream last night where we were playing our game against good company in my grandmother's front yard. it did not go well. polly was at short. these random strangers, who i like less than you, had to be recruited so that we could field a team. they didn't know what they were doing. ian caught a fly ball but jason the ump called the batter safe. naturally, i went insane, removing my clothes as i argued the call. one of those strangers used her face to stop a line drive to very bad effect. ugh. i'm making myself sick reliving this. anyway, the game was called in the third inning on account of several factors, including the mercy rule, my nearly naked self and shit just taking too damn long. that might have been the only call i didn't object to during that "game."

shit.

please tell me we're going to have enough players this sunday. the rest of the dream can happen in real life but let's try to prevent the one thing we can control - attendance. for the sake of all that is good, let me know if you won't be able to make the game.

fucking anxiety dreams.

alright. here's the deal. good company has an amazing outfield - perhaps the best. they're fast and have great arms. all that you need to know is that fly balls are automatic outs against them. their infield is fine but nothing like that outfield. line drives are the only way. as for their hitting, they have three or four bombers: mike (possibly albino), sam (not shirtless sam (that wasn't a reference to my dream)) and wally (the third baseman). other than that, they just get up and place the ball to all fields. honestly, i don't know how they don't play for the championship every year.

don't get me wrong. we're going to beat those fucks. it's just going to be tough as all hell is all.

last thing: i have compiled the stats for the season to date! i just haven't transferred them to a spreadsheet and uploaded them to the sight. maybe i'll get around to that tonight or tomorrow.

xo,

second sounds like last

2011-05-23T04:22:00.002-04:00

i just can't get over the fact that polly goes out there today with her two walks, two fielder's choices and two runs and, as a team, we turn twotwotwo into the new sixsixsix. were we waylaid by the sign of the polly or was it all a coincidence? i can tell you're unmoved by the query.

game balls go out to the aforementioned vehicle of 222, christine and matt for his spectacular pitching effort. i really hope everyone appreciates the fact that the best pitcher in the league plays in an orange -camo- shirt. we have a lot of great players on this team but only one of us is the superlative at their position. y'all should let him you know you know the next time you see him . . . or poke fun of the way he talks, whichever.

i'd like to take a moment to discuss everyone's position on the field, but not this moment. okay, this moment: it's not working, we're too static - we need to be more dynamic . . . i'm too old to be there every week, filling in where the spaces form. my black and blues have me thinking about retirement and i'd like to leave our machine with some interchangeable parts. i digress! yeah, so . . . don't take it personally but i'm going to start moving folks around. it'll be fun . . . provided everyone's on board and wants the best thing for the team.

for what it's worth, i hope this loss stings for a long while. losing sucks and, to quote your asshole stepfathers, you suck when you lose. you don't want to suck, do you? or do you? you might. me and your disappointed parents think you enjoy losing sometimes, loser. don't get us wrong, we're happy you found a bunch of "friends" to help you cope with being a failure. i, for one, believe your connection to each other assuages the pain and ultimate reality of your individual deficiencies, creating a collective responsibility for failure where no single agent need take the blame . . . helping you to sleep at night.

nah, just kidding - love you guyrls - even the on3z that didn't make it.

XO,

the added stress of playing whilst the world ends

2011-05-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

i'm not going to ask who is going to be at the game on sunday because that's too personal a question. i'm your coach - not your priest. it's none of my business whether you're a believer, a sinner or some kind of faith tweener. of course, if you have any particularly juicy sins you'd like to tell me about, i'm all ears. hell, i bet we're all up for a good confession.

should tomorrow pass without much incident, we're scheduled to play the brooklyn loggers on sunday in lieu of the rapture. if you have the time, i strongly suggest coming by the bar tonight or tomorrow to pick up your uniform and commiserate about being left behind. i digress. the loggers are a solid team that's been having a hard-luck season so far. they are not to be taken lightly. their ladies are some of the best players in the entire league, period . . . (sometimes jokes are best kept to oneself) . . . i digress! we'll also be missing a few players. yes, there will be the rapture but also planned vacation time absentees.

anyway, if you have any valium, klonopin or the like, please arrange to give me some before midnight.

thank you all very much for allowing me the pleasure to coach you all of these fine years.

love,

coach

behold! dressup sundays just got a little more . . .

2011-05-13T15:14:00.001-04:00

you only have five minutes to wager on who you think will hate the new uniform the most. early money is one max and io. who would have thought the double play duo would be rumored to have such similar aesthetics?

moving on to more serious business, we have a HUGE game this week against the five time defending WSL champions, black betty. it looks like you're going to have to do it without me, as my leg is well . . . you take a look:

i love the artist's use of the color purple.

which is probably fine with all of you, if only because i'll be doing the score book. regardless, we're going to need all hands on deck to beat these guys and gals. they're great with the glove and great with their bats. it's a shame really, because i'd wish their gifts on most anyone else.

a final note on finances: the uniform costs $15 and it isn't up for debate at this point. we're a team and we're gonna look like one . . . even if it's a team of mental commandos. AND team dues - please pay if you haven't already. we may mind up getting hats but only if i can swing it for five or less. sorry to be nickling and diming all of you.

okay, one more thing - betty is coming in to the bar saturday night and it would be nice if a few pete's peeps were there to represent.

yours,

coach

on four: one, two, three, four - PETE'S!!!

2011-05-09T12:48:00.000-04:00

to whom it may concern:

y'all suck. way to pooch away half the game and leave it up to a bunch of meatheads to pooch the other half. i bet you're feeling pretty smug right about now - way to tom sawyer the other team into doing all the work, ya lazy fucks.

i have to give props to everyone for not spending time with their mothers yesterday though. that shows commitment . . . and a complete vacuum of judgment, respect, morality . . . pretty much all redeeming traits. salute!

christine, way to ride out that last grounder. if it wasn't for that glory hog, lynch, you would have gotten the game ball. seriously, that play saved a run and was just as important as two home runs and five rbi's. that's not to say there weren't other great plays . . . nothing's coming to mind . . . hmm . . . nope: nothing. anyway, i guess we won, so . . . good job, yeah?

stay tuned for a break down of how to fail in this sunday's game.

X-to-the-mutha-fucking-O

coach . . . of the year

to your health!

2011-05-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

dear team,

i'm writing to inform you that we have a game tomorrow at five against a very talented collection of athletes that play under the name, the mendoza line. for the most part, they hit the ball great distances. it will be our job to hinder their efforts to score runs.

one more thing, i heard the rapture will be taking place on may 21 . . . 2012 . . . i think it's suppose to go down next year . . . if it happens in a few weeks, please, don't get pissed at me for botching the year on this one.

xo,

coach

a calm between the storms

2011-04-29T10:32:00.000-04:00

first things first - great showing on the voting front, team. very impressive.

with all the hubbub over the uniform, i hope we haven't forgotten that we actually play softball and have a game scheduled for this sunday at one against rbar. this is going to be a tough game for a few reasons. one very important reason is that rbar is quite good. they're the only team we didn't beat last year. the other reasons are ed, matt and christine, who will not be able to attend the game. that is a ton of slack we have to pick up, folks, a ton. the thing is is that we can totally make up for their absence collectively; so, let's just get out there early, loosen up and do it(!).

please let me know if you won't be able to make it and feel free to bring your dues ($50) if you will be there.

yours,

coach

p.s. hi katie! [i just know that traitor is spying on us.]

unibrawl

2011-04-28T12:15:00.001-04:00

okay. you're not the fireballs or the atomic anythings anymore. that was a different time when it was acceptable to just make up s random name. since our team color is orange, "orangiers," should work . . . but too many of you would rather be associated with a palette than a team; so, i'll steer clear of that for now. you know, i think i've got it: you're not really a team in the traditional sense of a unified group. for the most part, you're all headed to the same destination but you're going there as individual wheels . . . squeaky wheels. "this shirt's too bright." "that design fails at being obtuse." "is this organic cotton?" it's kind of like listening to goldilocks -hey- how about that? the pete's candy store goldilocks. each of you can pretend you're the sole object of my attention . . .

dear orangilocks!

you've got big business to settle. please vote!

consider these as options 1.1, 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4

something to this effect is option 2


i would like it known that the awesome clip art chosen for these shirts was inspired by all of you. can you figure out the team member that corresponds to each image?

and this is option 3 . . . if chosen, "uniform" would be spelled "unifrom"

"ryan's option"

it's not just bravo's new miniseries about a transsexual carrying a child to term as a man - it's a t-shirt!

and please don't worry or consider the shirt itself. that will all be determined at a later point. another thing to consider is that some of you vote by phone; so, the site-tally won't be exact.

lastly, i cannot believe that our country's gdp dropped two percent yesterday because of this uniform business. did anyone get fired for spending the entire day reading and writing emails?

love,

break

2011-04-20T10:20:00.000-04:00

fireballers!

well done, well done. that's twice now where we won with what wamounts wo a weleton crew. well won, well won.

special thanks to mister lynch and mister klus for filling in out there in the field. we might have been able to win without the two of you but not without giving up thirty runs. it's great to know that there is some talent out there to be had in a pinch. hopefully, you'll be open to join us again some time soon.

with no game over the Easter holiday, we've got a break in the action that's perfect for healing up, ruminating on what you've done wrong so far this season and possibly getting something that resembles a uniform. katrina is helping me out on this project; so, let's all keep her in our thoughts, as we all know working with we wan we wifficult.


imagine, if you will, "astros" and the star being replaced with "petes" and an atom.

news flash! last year's regular season stats are up with the postseason soon to follow. by next week, i'll have this season's numbers posted as well. thanks for keeping such amazing notes in the scorebook!

alright, take care, team. if you're unsure whether you have paid your dues, just ask - i'll let you know.

yours,

coach

gold lamé

2011-04-15T14:37:00.000-04:00

orangiers!

remember when whoppi goldberg was married to ted danson? that was weird, right? . . . that it was news? sure, this clip isn't the real story but it happened - it really happened.

anyhoo, i want all of you to do something for me. i want you to win this sunday. i want you to beat the ball with your bats and then coddle it on the other side with your gloves - just like an unnecessary domestic violence analogy/joke.

did the language in that clip aid or debilitate your understanding of what i was talking about? i digress.

back to the game: clem's is not to be taken lightly. they are sick and tired of being kicked around, which has been going on for about three years now; so, you can imagine the pent up frustration . . . (matt will tell you about it). the bottom line is that they've picked up some ringers and have our names circled on their schedules. in addition to the wrath of clem's, we'll also have to contend with ian's state mandated trip to the brothels of montreal, meaning ian won't be there. with this in mind, i'm extra interested in who is coming to the game (read: please let me know if you're coming).

alright, i'll see y'all bright and early! batting practice starts at 10:30 and ends at 10:55. the commissioner is concerned with games not starting on time and is cracking the whip on umpires.

xo,

beat

2011-04-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

so, team, i crunched some numbers and determined that we lose every game where ed comes up lame running from second to third in the first inning. it should be noted that this may just be a coincidence, as the data also points to the possibility that we're statistically eliminated from games where jeff is not present. i don't know . . . it's just a lot to process - even for my mechanical mind.

what is easy to comprehend is that we caught the pop-ups last sunday and that did not pair well with suspect defense. having said that, it wasn't so much that our offense and defense were dramatically worse than the previously two games; poor timing was a huge factor. we just couldn't have had our hiccups at worse times.

that's alright - i'm not worried about this team one bit . . . but everyone should pray to whatever they pray to that ed is not seriously hurt.

let's keep those dues coming in, folks! speaking of dues, welcome to the team, ryan. i think you made an impression on all of us. more importantly, you weren't a complete asshole and didn't expose yourself as one who is absolutely devoid of any skills; so, because you met the requirements laid out in our pregame discussion, i formally welcome you to the team.

we've got an early one this week - 11:00 against the new and ringer-laden clems. please come early.

xo,

coach

my "secret place wheel"

2011-04-05T15:04:00.000-04:00

i haven't thought this much about my balls since i was sixteen.

Swadhisthana: The Sacral Chakra

Swadhisthana, Svadisthana or adhishthana is symbolized by a white lotus within which is a crescent moon, with six vermillion, or orange petals. The seed mantra is Vam, and the presiding deity is Bramha, with the Shakti being Rakini ( or Chakini ). The animal associated is the crocodile of Varuna. The Sacral Chakra is located in the sacrum (hence the name) and is considered to correspond to the testes or the ovaries that produce the various sex hormones involved in the reproductive cycle. Swadisthana is also considered to be related to, more generally, the genitourinary system and the adrenals. The key issues involving Swadisthana are relationships, violence, addictions, basic emotional needs, and pleasure. Physically, Swadisthana governs reproduction, mentally it governs creativity, emotionally it governs joy, and spiritually it governs enthusiasm.^[31]
In Tibetan buddhism, this is known as the Secret Place wheel. Below this point the Shakta tantra and Vajrayana systems diverge somewhat.

deez nutz

2011-04-04T13:01:00.000-04:00

yep, they still hurt. yep, i spent a solid hour watching nut-shot videos on youtube this morning. one would think montage clips would be the best way to go but it's not. they're usually paired with crappy music and invariably contain some poor quality content. stick with clips about twenty seconds in duration. here's a little taste: with (good) music and sans music - why not try them both?

i hate to be smug about this but we won that game with some good old fashioned plate discipline. sure, drawing as many walks as we did resulted in most of our runs but let's not forget the role pitch selection playing in timely hitting. no one forgot that, right?

game balls go to me, of course. runners up include dom and pat for their hitting and ed and max for their fielding. great job all around though - way to hang in there for the victory, pick me up when i fell down and resuscitate poor ian from the brink of death.


photo compliments of matt l.

stay tuned for next week's preview.

yours,

full swing

2011-04-01T16:46:00.001-04:00

welcome to week two, fireballers.

we've got the turkey's teachers on the schedule this sunday. they won last week, beating rbar 10 to 7. holding rbar to seven runs isn't easy; so, i think it's safe to deduce that the teachers can play defense. this is really going to be a test for our offense, which wasn't very robust last week.

let's work on pitch selection this week. i want everyone to take a pitch or two every at bat - especially during your first at bat. you only get three or four at bats per game . . . what's the rush up there. take your time, enjoy the moment, get on base . . .. apparently, their new pitcher played in college and likes to hum it in there with little to no arc - please, don't swing at that garbage.

last thing about the turkey's teachers: they crack under the slightest amount of stress and are susceptible to infighting. if we put runners on early and plate a few of them, they might just implode and hand the rest of the game over to us.

see you at noon! game starts at 12:30 on field one. let me know if you won't be there.

take care.

coach

easy peasy

2011-03-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

that was efficient. personally, it never would have occurred to me to score just about as little as possible to win a game. i always forget that we're given a set number of runs at the beginning of the season and once they're used up - that's it: no more scoring. why waste them in a game where we're only going to give up five runs? you folks were thinking ahead, saving them for a game against 'doza or pool, right? brilliant. if i didn't know better, i'd say all of you should be the coach - everyone except me.

i think it's pretty obvious that christine and pat had stellar games in the field. you did tag that guy, christine, didn't you? ahhh, i don't care. it does bring up a valid point though: you have to sell close plays. the umpire is usually thirty feet away from any given play, which leaves many opportunities for his view to be obstructed. i'm not advocating for any of you to cheat; i'm saying you have to make a call easier for an umpire to make.

whaddya know - i'm still the coach.

check out our team page on the league site here. we need a team picture. when should we have picture day?

i think the world of this team but when we win it's not a shitty world where everything is coated in pain and refuse that i think of. great job taking care of our first win right of the bat, team. we're in first place!

stay tuned for this week's scouting report.

always and forever,

coach

here we go . . . anew!

2011-03-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

orangiers,

i don't need to remind anyone about the start we got off to last season or how difficult it was to win twelve of the next fourteen games. don't get me wrong - we ended the regular season on a fun ride. it felt good, didn't it? let's start this season on a fun ride. it'll be just like a trip down to a.c. in dom's big, bad car. we might have a shitty time once we're there but let's at least live it up on the way down.

our first game is against a/t, but this year's a/t isn't the circus it was last year. they have completely overhauled their squad. though i firmly believe we're far better than they are, they are not to be taken lightly, as they are more than capable of taking a W from us if we just hand it over. gerald, their new manager and former black betty member, is predicting they're going straight to the playoffs, straight through us to the playoffs.

looking back on last year, i have realized i was too lovey-dovey with y'all. the tie-dyed uniforms, supportive comments . . . i might have even smiled. anyway, that didn't get us off to a good start; so, i'm taking a new tact this season. public humiliation will be my new motivational tool. i read all about it on oprah's website. i know, i know: it doesn't seem like something she would advocate but in extreme cases she recognizes it as the only way.

back to the uniforms: tie-dyes along with other past uniforms are still acceptable until i can work something out for this new year. please, send or post your suggestions. if you're new to the team, wearing something orange will do for now. i shouldn't have to say this, but there are some confused individuals on the team . . . this isn't a fashion show - wear something functional and warm this sunday, as it is going to be chilly.

now it's time to discuss team dues. as with every year, a few of you don't come up with the money. this is not only unfair to those who do pay but it makes me resent you. i strongly dislike conversations regarding money; however, i end up picking up the tab, which is something i like even less. the team dues are $50. one of you suggested i post the names of those who have paid on the site . . . i don't want it to come to that. please, submit your dues by the second week of the season.

ugh.

let me know if you're coming and stick to your word. pretty, pretty please show up by at least 2:00. it's a huge stress on me to make a lineup without knowing who is coming.

alrightie, team - i'm quite excited to get this season under way. as always, i have enormous expectations for all of you as individuals and as a team. go pete's!!

xo,

coach

happy holidays!!!

2010-12-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

fireballs!

i hope you're having a wonderful holiday season . . . can i just say christmas? i mean, is anyone jewish on our team? oh, right - ian . . . fuck - okayokayokay: happy holidays it is.

hmmm, where was i? oh yeah, i hope ~~santa~~ your families were good to you and you to them. treat yourselves right in the new year and may good health be your constant companion.

xo,

samuel

p.s. if anyone needs help digging out, go see joey about a free shovel at crest.

one and done

2010-09-30T10:36:00.000-04:00

i've been searching all week for the words to describe the feelings our lone playoff game evoked in me. it's just not worth putting anymore time into this. everything that could go wrong went wrong.

we looked rusty on sunday. the choppy scheduling at the end of the season really threw a wrench in our rhythm. hmm, i never thought of us as being a team that played with rhythm but i guess there was some cosmic pace to our method: lose a bunch, win a bunch, lose a few, win a few, 1-2-3 inning, seven-run inning, starting poorly, ending miraculously . . .

all of you should be proud of a well earned season of beration, admiration and celebration. remember the act of beratement.

talk to you soon.

xo,

here we come

2010-09-24T16:52:00.000-04:00

fireballs!

i hope you've spent the week daydreaming of making fantastic catches, timely hits and perfect slides. visualize the future! i looked into my box of game balls and saw that i have five left. do you know how many wins it takes to capture the championship from this point forward? that's right - it takes five. i can see the future from my apartment an it involves all of us battling it out for the grand prize.

here's the deal. if everyone shows up early (please show up early) and we win it all, i'll retire. how is that for incentive? i expect to see everyone running through brick walls with that much on the line.

alright, get a good night's rest, think positive and come early with the swagger of a champion. you know we can do this.

take care,

here's to the dom of the clan!

2010-09-20T02:19:00.000-04:00

folks,

no one wanted to end the regular season the way we did, but we did. it's alright, it really is - no sweat. for a bunch of us, it was our first time out there in a while. this week was a late season meet-n-greet. despite all the weirdness, i liked what i saw: great relays, solid glove bumps and a great spread at the party!

kudos to dom for making the team hats. thanks a solid million.

back to the amazing array of foodstuffs we laid out . . . it was awesome! with minimal guidance, everything worked out swimmingly. special tips of dom's cap go out to amanda, whitney, richie, sarah and eliza for their culinary and miscellaneous contributions. we wouldn't have made the playoffs or eaten without them. starvation is serious.

i'll get the final regular season stats up in a day or two. spoiler alert: ian's not the mvp. he actually finishes eighth in the voting behind several inanimate objects and two humans. too bad we live in a world with sports hernia . . ..

individually, you're unbearable, but collectively - you're the mother fucking best!

the last of the end

2010-09-17T12:07:00.001-04:00

orangiers,

the regular season is coming to an end this sunday. it has truly been a roller coaster of a season. we kicked things off with a total colapse in the ninth inning to lose the first game of the season and followed that with three more debilitating loses . . . those were dark times. many of you started making vacation plans in haste. too soon, i said, and we rattled off four straight wins. now, i'm not quite sure the exact order of things from there but there is no denying we - no - i created something special. it's time for us to finish what we started . . . in week five - you know, the thing we started when we started winning.

after we wrap a/t up in a big ol' blanket of whoooooop-ass, there's our team party. a party i hope you will all attend. a party i hope we don't start until we win that last game of the season. this is an important game. if everything goes our way, we could wind up in second or third place, saving us from the prospect of playing a double header that starts at eleven to advance in the play-offs. that's a big deal.

alright, kids, think about winning and what you're bringing to the party. remember, you can drop your dish off at the bar before the game starts.

take care,

eight is enough . . . when the ninth eventually shows up

2010-09-13T00:09:00.000-04:00

nobody knows . . .

i'll forego the vitriole, opting for a congratulatory tone. good job, assholes.

thanks for avenging the shame and injury ian and i where dealt at the hands of breeze and a few other clem's players saturday night. it would have been too much for them to talk as much shit as they did and win that game. i hate speaking for others, but i'm going to: ian and i are especially pleased with the victory. personally, i wanted to shut those sweet humorists out so badly it made me a little blind with contempt. regardless, as a team, we were understaffed, out of place and, ultimately, winners. no matter how many we are, each of us goes as the team does . . .

where do you feel like going, pete's?

soon,

back in action

2010-09-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

fireballs,

a long while has passed since our last game; so, i expect to see some rust on us - but i'm not going to accept any excuses. we're playing clem's this sunday at eleven. breeze, their captain/trash talker, is very committed to the idea of pushing us around this weekend. he claims to have been looking forward to beating us all summer . . . and probably the summer before that. let's not give him the satisfaction.

we'll be without the services of abott and hamm (a lesser know comedy/softball duo) this weekend. please let me know if anyone else can't make this game, as i would hate to make things too easy for clem's. they've got a few wins under their belt now, are gaining some swagger and can really pound the ball if it moves them too. they're not to be taken lightly.

with the exception of one game, the stats are up to date! i'm just trying to track down the box score from the reel2reel game i missed. if anyone has seen said box score, please send it my way.

it will be good to see all of you again. i know it's an early game but please come early.

xo,

effort is tacky

2010-09-05T05:47:00.000-04:00

this labor day, i want all of you to remember and concentrate on the comprehensive lack of diligence you've put into honing your skills. fuck thinking; fuck thinking. idiots parade the idea that hard work and dedication will prevail. you, all of you have spent the summer debunking this theory.

what uncommon genius each of you have demonstrated. pop-outs to infielders, throwing to the wrong base, not throwing the ball at all, expecting calls to go our way in spite of logical reasoning , , , this, this is the recipe of success? i guess so, h-holes. in spite of my tutelage, we've played ourselves into the playoffs. good job.

save your praise. we still have two games to play. games that will determine our seeding. lower seeds have to spend time in the mosquito tank at the turkey's nest. we don't want that and the mosquitoes are the least of our worries . . . as if we had worries.

we have revenge.

2010-09-02T14:25:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday to Io!

[obscenity] [obscenity] motherless [obscenity] [blasphemy]

2010-08-24T10:59:00.000-04:00

holy [expletive]! that was the worst piece of [excrement] of a game i've seen us play in a few [redacted] years. the worst part of that [blank] show was that we came away thinking we won that game . . . just because we won that game.

you [fucking] [fucks]. (hmmm, we seem to have lost the censor for a second.)

i used to think our thing was defense and timely hitting but now there's no denying our game is all about bum-rushing in the ninth. be proud of that. it really is a great place to leave your hat. it is, however, a complete [obscenity] in your mother's milk to play ourselves into such holes every week. you're a bunch of under-achievers. that's what mentals me. really, you pieces of [%&#@] don't deserve the compassion and tenderness i spoon feed your dirty mouths every sunday. i should be listening to the lord in church but i'm out there spreading the word ("fuck," mostly) to some deaf ears in the park.

seriously, we won that game? geez.

good-bye, sweet lou! you're insane tirades will live on through me . . . for at least another two weeks.

next up: a/t. they have two teams. one is simply dreadful. the other has some new talent on it and can actually play some top flight ball. this is the team that beat black betty. yes, a/t beat black betty. it would be an absolute shame to have a let-down game this week after the tremendous wins we've notched in august. so, let's make sure we're ready to win when we take the field on sunday.

you folks are the best.

grillin' in the garden

2010-08-19T18:23:00.001-04:00

team,

i'll be manning the grill at pete's this sunday for the first time in quite a while. please come by and order more than you can eat just to test my skills, patience and will to live . . . it will be just like one of our games . . . but with food and no chance of us losing.

wow: walk off win

2010-08-16T13:15:00.000-04:00

orangiers,

you have to feel good about the way we played yesterday. you just do. it's that simple. in a tit-for-tat game against a seasoned and formidable opponent, we kept ourselves composed and confident. a certain swagger introduced itself to us. let's make a new friend.

give it up to the infield - send them a love note. everyone knows max and ed were amazing but so were dom and katie, who must have picked more throws from the dirt than fly balls where hit to the outfield. every play is important and you folks proved it today: focus, focus, focus. it really is the little things that win games.

i would be remiss not to laud the clutch hitting of katie, polly, marlin and pat through out the game and the top of the lineup in the bottom of the ninth. there's no win as great as a walk off win. period.

union pool is already waiting at the park for our game this sunday. they're freaks. aside from that, they're a lot like us, boasting an excellent left side of the infield, above average outfielders and solid hitters throughout their line-up. they beat us 9 - 3 earlier this season. union pool can play some defense. bottom line: revenge, revenge . . . revenge!

take care.

hello, losing - good-bye, shaggy

2010-08-09T20:17:00.004-04:00

well, if bitchin', feeling sorry for yourself and acting entitled were a disease, we'd have a full-blown case of suckass. too bad suckass doesn't win games. thank god suckass doesn't kill like aids. let's call things even.

we're back to .500, the minimum of mediocrity.

we're going to have to think to make our season a success. thinking, for those of you who have never attempted such a feat, incorporates several cognitive procedures. one such procedure is recognizing when it's a good time to think. often, if not always, it takes a second to think (it may take longer when you're just starting out). call time out, identify where you are (at bat, in the field, on the bench?) and dive into the darkness that is the realm of futures to be . . . what if you throw it to second, hit the ball behind the runner, cheer for a batter who is not at bat? weighty concepts, i know. softball is a game with as many breaks built into it as you're willing to explore. take advantage of time. in the real world time just make everyone, save marlin, look old, but on a dirty diamond, time can make us look wise and skilled. if you're unsure what to think, ask ed, max or ian - they sure have enough to say to me.

enough of that. besides, all of you and i know we lost because rich loves katie more than she, him. love conquers all - duh. thanks, katie.

this week we're playing a team comprised of serbian, bosnian and somalian war criminals, popularly know as the mendoza line. any one of them may have dug or filled a mass grave. this isn't funny stuff, folks. we need to kill them. the game is scheduled for 3:00; however, i am endeavoring to have the game moved back to 5:00. if this change happens, i will email the whole lot of you or ask someone to do it in my stead, as i will be matrimonially detained for the greater part of the week.

enough of that. whether you realized it or not, marcus played his last game of this season with us yesterday. he's been traded to the l.a. night stalkers of the so-cal independent league. say good-bye . . .

in a while, crocodile.

movin'movin'movin'

2010-08-02T13:06:00.000-04:00

orangiers!

there where some good things. there where some bad things. flaking out in the middle of several innings was not good. we need to pay attention to who is at bat and on base - are they fast? slow? a power hitter? a singles hitter? whatever, right? cause we won, right? wrong.

ready for the good things? so am i. we ran the bases amazingly well yesterday. ian scoring from second on a lazy fly ball and pat running the bases in the eighth are two standout examples. we also demonstrated some serious plate discipline with our pitch selection. these are subtle but important parts of winning a game, of making the playoffs.

now for this week: we've got r bar at 3:00 - prime time in the park. it's another grudge match for us. like betty and the teachers, we need to avenge our earlier loss to them. it can be our cute little mantra or slogan for the second half of the season: revenge . . . revenge . . . revenge!

take care,

the season starts now

2010-07-27T01:40:00.000-04:00

ehh, i've seen you guys play better but i guess i still owe the team some kudos for winning one of the two games we had to play. i suppose the game we won was . . . more competently or completely played aaaaaand it was against the four-time-running champions of the league but the way we came back from a blowout to lose by a mere four runs in the first game did impress me some.

regardless of how indifferent i am to your efforts, i'd like to single out a few of our teammates for their contributions on sunday. darin, who one year and one day ago became the proud father of ronan jack b. the father of a boy who greatly deserved his first birthday. a birthday attended by his uncle, jb$. happy birthday rjb! and there's ed, who was cleaning oil off his jumbo at an undisclosed location along the gulf coast. let's not forget joey. good ol' uncle joey sat poolside in Connecticut, drinking mojitos at his nephew's day camp graduation party. honorable mention goes to matt for weening himself off an i.v. of moonshine in time to only miss the first game. thanks, boys!

the "progressive girl" works for other people too, right?

while i'm on the subject of tangents, would anyone like to invest in my plan to bring a waffle house to williamsburg? just, think about it.

next up: the turkey's teachers at one. we owe them some whoop-ass. i really hope that didn't sound mean spirited or unsportmanlike. i really, really hope that sounded like i was saying we need to take the field with a full squad of healthy, willing and sober people this coming sunday. we're down to a scant few games left in the season and the playoffs aren't for .500 teams - not in our division, not this year.

we have played with every team thus far - now it's time we beat every one of them.

mine,

east coast, west coast - hello, comatose!

2010-07-23T03:25:00.000-04:00

i'm dedicating this post to the people and places of california's san francisco, a simple city on a bay. it's a weird place, alien almost. the grass is fine but that has nothing to do with what i'm talking about.

anyway, ed had so many great things to say about the way you guys played . . . the way those of you who showed up played. ed told me to be nice to the team because of how valiantly all of you tried. ed is a liar and a total pussy. total pussy. be that as it may, i'll respect his wishes because he had to make do with tons of us missing. guys, what the fuck? you have to send word prior to the day of the game, if you're not going to make it. this is bullshit. i don't ask very much of you, except for ed, who i ask to manage the team from time to time; so, i don't think it's too much to ask for my teammates to give me some advanced notice on whether i need to rustle up some fill-ins.

now for your chance to hate on me: we're playing at 11:00 and 5:00 this week. yes, it sucks. yes, i'm trying to swing things so that we're playing at three and five. so far, turkey's teachers have agreed to switch three for eleven - we're waiting on union pool to acquiesce. as of now, we're playing at 11:00 and 5:00. if anything changes, i'll let you know. let me know if you can't make it. let me know if you can make it. just let me know.

about our opponents: rbaaaaar can hit and field but they're old and cranky . . . just like dom, except for the hitting and fielding part. also, katie is moonlighting for them. i hope that motivates you in some way, i guess . . . motivates you to beat them is what i'm saying - don't beat katie, geez. as for betty, well . . . i think you know their game.

seriously, thank you for taking the reigns last week, ed. i wouldn't wish coaching this team on anyone but you. haha - just kidding! wait, what? i already said, "seriously," so i can't kid? shiiiiiiiiit.

yours,

five in a row!

2010-07-12T12:35:00.001-04:00

orangiers!

i was truly ecstatic yesterday. beating the turkey's nest is special to a lot of us for various reasons. personally, taking it to those brown shirts (nazi sympathizers?) meant a lot because of what i learned about my team. yes - joey, ted and matt had amazing games but this victory is all of yours. there was a ton of heart on display yesterday and a fair amount of skill as well. we're not just a working class team that wins on grit - we do have skill on the roster . . . no matter who is on the field or up at bat.

yesterday, yesterday i was ecstatic. today i'm pissed off at you shits for losing the first four games. whatever: that was a different team. this team would never have lost four in a row. i'm still pissed though.

okay, looking forward we have reel to reel at three - prime time. they're solid. defense is their game but they can still bang. their outfield is young and athletic (maybe not right). the guy in left center has an absolute cannon for an arm - do not test it. of course, if he doesn't make the game, i won't be there to tell you because i'll be in san francisco. so, i recommend that you get to the field early and pay attention to how they're hitting and throwing while you take batting practice. most of all, do what ed says. he'll be your coach for the afternoon.

as promised, here is the animated doc on doc ellis's lsd no-no. please, don't get any ideas. also, check out the league forum, as i'll be starting some shit with jordan, regarding his ninth inning comments . . .

again, great game. take care and push the winning streak to six.

yours,

welcome to five hundred! (well, .500 anyway)

2010-06-30T12:56:00.000-04:00

congratulations are in order. you done good, fireballs, you done good.

to quote max, "that was a gritty win." we didn't have a full squad, some of us were out of position and it was hotter than all hell. to make matters worse, we played like absolute ass for the first few innings. none of that mattered though - we battled and won . . . because you respond very well to negative reinforcement and i have that in spades.

special accolades go out to the ladies who played through a system they did not like without busting my stones during the game about how much they hated the plan i put in place. don't worry: i almost certainly won't have you alternate innings again, almost certainly. oh, and let's all give jeff a big round of silent internet applause for making his 2010 debut. [yeeeaaaaah]

once again, we have a long layoff before we play again. on july 11th, we play the turkey's nest at five. i'm pretty sure we'll be missing some people for this game as well; so, let me know what's up with your
availability. it might be time to add a few guys to the squad . . . ones that don't suck. let's use sam as a measure. if the prospective player is worse or equal to him in ability, pete's doesn't want him. got it?

i really need to apologize for not updating the site more. this will change!

alrighty, team, i love you all and wish you a happy and safe fourth of july.

sleep well

2010-06-14T02:27:00.002-04:00

dear team,

thank you for the amazing display of not sucking for seven of our nine innings together. it's shit like not sucking that really make my sundays feel well spent. pills also bouy the fate of said sundays, but that's another post.

in case you missed it: marlin "fucks a lot!" or is it that he fucks hard . . . i can't remember. the bottom line is that we're taking next sunday, father's day, off - regardless of how many seeds our man marlin has sired. use the time to get healthy or in and out of shape. just make sure you find your way to a field prior to our next game to practice some . . ..

we had some serious cobwebs in the first inning . . . bad enough to almost cost us the game. you did a great job of settling down. it kills me when we're not ready to play softball. sometimes we're not ready in the first and sometimes we walk out in the sixth with our heads up bravo's ass. let's not ever have our heads up bravo's ass again. promise? geez.

in the end, we won. in the middle, we did things like play great defense, i.e., max, marcus, katie and christine, and tacked on runs just like winning teams do. we're a winning team. don't forget that. you can't forget that, especially, when there's two on a no outs. that's when it's your job to pick the team up - make a play. i want to see more confidence in all of you. each of you has every requisite skill to get the job done.

it's time - let's get the job done.

xo,

we're unbeatable . . . except for those four losses

2010-06-07T13:59:00.001-04:00

well done, folks. from marcus on the mound to io and joey in the field to pat at bat and all of you in between, the game was a pleasure to watch. go ahead, take the week off - you deserve it. just make sure you don't go so far that you can't be back in the park by next sunday.

we've got an away game lined up against gibson on field two at five this week. remember them? they used to be called the pourhouse and they bounced us from the playoffs last year. remember that? it sucked; we sucked. i know it's not particularly en vogue to preach vengeance nowadays but . . . fuck it: let's make them pay for what they done did to us last year. if we only win one game this sunday, let's make sure it's against the gibson. those cowards changed they're bullshit name so we couldn't find them, but we found them and now we're going to hang a twenty run margin of victory on them sombitches!

as always, let me know if you can't make the game and please come up with the $45 for team dues.

sunday can't come soon enough. again, great game.

take care.

pat and ian's pelvis celebrating
with the plate they touched so many times.

abbott would probably say something like, "let's have a streak of wins"

2010-06-04T10:45:00.003-04:00

welcome back, fireballs:

i trust that you're all well rested, eager to get out on the field and utterly rusty. what an amazing combination. with this in mind my imagination is conjuring some awfully infuriating scenarios . . . you know what - i'm going to stay positive and try to be surprised by the mounting frustration that waits for me in an odd numbered inning this sunday. maybe it would be a great idea for y'all to buddy up and have a catch, do some yoga or run from the cops in advance of the game - just to get the blood flowing. since our game is scheduled for five (5:00), why don't we all try to be at the fields by four (4:00) to immerse ourselves in softball (read: have a few beers).

alright, so clems is another team that looks to their game against us as their chance to get in the win column. we can't let this happen. they have some plus skilled players but simply do not match up against us position to position. they don't care about match-ups though; they care about drawing our orange blood. i wish i had an intercepted email from them to motivate you but none of them are literate and we just wouldn't understand their crude glyphs. let that motivate you! are you going to let a clan of illiterates embarrass your nerdy fucking faces in front of half naked hipsters in the park?!?!?

i know one of you just thought, " well, maybe." asshole.

do not forget to bring your figurative bats to this game. i want to see us putting up some crooked numbers like i know we can.

lemme know if you can't make it and pay your gd dues already.

xo

remember losing

2010-05-25T14:00:00.001-04:00

orangiers,

that was some beating you put to those orphans. good job. i doubt they can reach the sadness of being abandoned by their parents after the abuse dealt to them on sunday, the lord's day. humane treatment would have demanded we put them down but that's not your style. you would prefer they live out a long life saddled with the nightmares of being drubbed thirty-five (35) to nine (9). wow . . . congratulations on being the most bad-ass losers since the charlestown chiefs.

in all seriousness, you beat the ever living shit out of a team searching for an identity that doesn't entail implosion. don't let that get you down: we did what we were suppose to do. that's a great thing and something we haven't done since last year. good teams win the games they're suppose to win, play hard every sunday and drink pretty heavily. pete rose told don zimmer to tell me that.

enjoy the weekend off. we'll resume our winning ways on june sixth at five pm against clem's. they gave us some trouble last year but that was ed's fault and he quit the team; so, we have a chance, a very good chance. the deal is as such: between now and some other date we have very winnable games scheduled. we can even our record, get back into the playoff race, salvage our season, cure poverty, cull the indigent and feel confident about our skills . . . or we can just focus on culling the indigent.

rest up, have fun, take care and look for a post in a week's time.

best,

i'll jump - i'll really fucking do it this time

2010-05-21T12:09:00.000-04:00

hey all,

we have an imminently winnable game this sunday. it's against a/t. there are two catches . . . one, the game is at eleven in the morning; two, we can't sleep walk through this game, expecting them to lay down. with our record, we can't take any game for granted. it's difficult to say this and sad that it's true, but a/t is looking at us as an easy win for them.

i was surreptitiously forwarded an email yesterday written by vinny, a/t's manager and spiritual guru. here is an excerpt. "we've got a push-over this week - pete's candy store. yep, it looks like we're finally going to get our first win of the season. all we're going to need is a handful of runs because there [sic] offense is offensively bad. they couldn't string a few hits together if it was christmas and hits were cranberries and popcorn. just don't hit it to the left fielder: he's light's out . . . lights out . . . i wonder if he speaks french . . . i would bang the ever-loving drippy shit out of his ass if he spoke french . . . hmm, lights out." i'll leave it there. you get the point: they think we suck . . . and vinny is a sick, demented fuck. you be careful of him, ian.

will everyone please make sure to get a good night's sleep? that wasn't really a question; i'm ordering you all to get to bed early so we can be nice and fresh for our first win of the season.

regarding last week . . . you know, we played fairly well on defense (good job), but holy fuck - learn how to hit, you fucking fucks.

love,

coach

p.s. dues, tell me if you can't make it and get to sleep.

marlin, famed musician

2010-05-18T10:44:00.001-04:00

marlin has been keeping a good secret of his true identity - until now!

he's john cale. yes, my friends, we've been playing softball with an original member of the velvet underground. it kinda blows my mind.

rise against the tyranny of losing!

2010-05-13T13:37:00.000-04:00

dear infielders and outfielders,

let's get off the snide this sunday with a win over union pool. all we need is some smart defense and timely hitting. no big deal, right? right. it's settled then: starting at three this sunday, we begin the process of winning out first game. somewhere between 3:30 and 4:30, we'll start pre-gaming for the celebration that is to happen at five. i can't wait. i'm refraining from umping this week just so i can celebrate with everyone.

wait, maybe we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. yeah, that's the plan. union pool beat betty two weeks ago and that says a ton about what this team is capable of - winning. the left side of their infield is lock down. aside from our ed and max combo, steph and jason may be the best third-short tandem in the league. grounding a ball to either of them is practically an automatic out. obviously, line drives win games. we don't have to blast the ball to win games. look at how we lost our last game - dinks and dunks. they didn't have one "shot" over our heads. small-ball wins games in this league now. it's time we adapt to this philosophy.

on a delicate note, there are a couple of issues that our teammates have brought to my attention. one, uniforms are mandatory. you have all week to dress as you plese. for two hours, you're on a team that wears a uniform. if you don't have one, i'll get you one. until then, just wear something orange. show some spirit. two, please don't give me a hard time about playing time during a game. balancing my desire to get everyone in the game with what i believe is our best chance of winning is not easy. so that everyone is forewarned, know that i'm placing a higher commodity on winning this week than getting everyone in the game. please don't take it personally. i'd be happy to discuss all the gripes you have with my decisions after the game. surprisingly, i'm very responsive to all of your concerns. this little paragraph is a result of people grabbing my ear and telling me what they think is up. last thing: please pay your dues.

as always, let me know if you can't make it.

XOXO

the flesh eating soil of mccarren park

2010-05-04T11:14:00.001-04:00

now that i've gotten my first iodine bath of 2010 out of the way, what say you to picking up our first win of the season this sunday? it's agreed then! we'll win. i'll break the news to rbar ever so gently.

there's not too much to say about the 'doza game, is there? we just didn't hit very well at all. i don't think the chances of winning a game with only six runs are favorable for any team in the league. conversely, holding a team to only nine runs would seem to dictate a victory . . . but we all know that there's a way to lose that game.

batting practice is definitely in order. i urge everyone to find the time to get some cuts in before this sunday. we're going to be shorthanded and will need to count on every last one of us for hits against a team that can truly put some crooked numbers up on the scoreboard.

if you still haven't paid the team dues, $45, please do. [most teams pay well more than twice this amount.] don't be shy about bragging about paying either, provided you actually have paid.

anyway, i still believe we're going to finish the season with at least one win.

xo,

coach

p.s. sorry about the gross, infected picture of my knee. i just take special pride in cultivating a team that shares the ups, the downs and the disgusting moments of a season.

free things you like!

2010-04-28T14:36:00.000-04:00

team,

great job last week. i didn't get one call, text or email asking if we were playing in the rain. i really appreciate that. my hope is that you all enjoyed the day off immensely, as there won't be any breaks in the action for quite some time . . . unless, you're going on some exotic vacation without me and i have a feeling some of you are.

this sunday we're on a collision course with the mendoza line, a perennial favorite. they hit better than most teams in the league but play sloppy defense at times. we have to test their right side and hit line drives. i know it's easier said than done, but shortening your swing some will provide you with more bat control and, hopefully, line drives. if we hit fly-balls on sunday, we're going to lose, badly, but we're not going to do that; so, we have nothing to worry about.

pete's: 17
'doza: 12

think of all that rain as having washed the filth of weeks one and two away.

as always, please let me know if you can't make it. we were a little thin in week two and it helps to know if i need to secure some fill-ins. i guess this would be a good time to remind those of you who haven't payed your dues to pay-up.

yours,

coach

two lumps, please.

2010-04-19T15:49:00.000-04:00

folks, it was katie's birthday . . . her birthday and we let her down! we're all guilty to some degree but my immune system and barack obama are mostly to blame. if you heard any non sequitur or pointed comments from me during the game, know that i was on very little sleep and a healthy dose of theraflu during our game. it probably wouldn't hurt to get over it. no one likes little bitches . . . except for matt - he's way into that sort of thing (the british . . . hmmph).

for a more in depth analysis of the game, i think there's but one thing to consider: cages anyone? despite all the shitty play we brought to the field, fifteen runs shouldn't be insurmountable. we're just not hitting. youtube some slow-pitch hitting shit and you'll hear things like shorten your swing while leading with your hands and lengthening your follow-through. these doods giving the advice are monsters. i'm a believer.

i guess another way to look at the fifteen runs we allowed is to say we buckled down to prevent some really bad innings. ehh.

right, so we've got r bar next week at five on field one. aren't they lucky to have so many lefties and the short porch in right? due to this and our losing streak, i'll be shaking things up some this sunday. we're going to bat ten instead of twelve, play some people in new places, make more substitutions than normal and switch a few righties to lefties. i hope everyone takes these changes like a real team player.

if someone wants to lead the organization of a trip to the cages, go for it. for another way to hone your skills, check out wednesday night softball. it begins this week.

as always, let me know if you can't attend the game and if someone knows which team katie will be playing for, i'd appreciate the heads up.

i still think we're going to finish the season at .500.

rebound

2010-04-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

good game.

no, really - good game.

i liked what i saw yesterday for the most part. pat was solid in the field. ted had a prodigious day at the plate and helped locate our spirit animal - cherry garcia - fine, our spirit ice cream flavor. ice cream is nice but we really should get a spirit animal. marlin, you seem like the perfect candidate to head this project. i digress.

we played well . . . for eight innings and we choked really hard for one. personally, i'd rather suck than choke but we're a team; so, that's something we'll all have to agree on as the season develops. are we going to choke, play down to inferior teams or leave it up to someone else to make a play or get a hit? yesterday was a gut check and we failed (big time) but next sunday is going to present another gut check. remember, it's about how you play the game and choking is one way i'd rather not play the game.

moving forward, we're scheduled to play "turkey's teachers" this sunday morning at eleven. apparently, they're all or mostly teachers from the automotive high school, think jordan's too much of a pussy to do anything about them co-opting turkey's as a name and they beat union pool pretty handily last week. they looked like a bunch of shlubs to me but pool said they're a slick-fielding bunch who can really hit. this is by no means a gimme. as far as i'm concerned, we don't have anything close to an easy game scheduled until june. as always, let me know if you can't make the game.

i still think we're going to win eleven to thirteen games this year.

home opener

2010-04-09T18:17:00.000-04:00

last season, as betty scored the run that secured the championship victory, i pulled my trusty phone out and digitized all their jumping and hooting and celebratory crying. what i did with that video is killing me right now. it was going to be my motivational ace-in-the-hole! what a loss.

instead, i must rely upon my words and your flawed memories to remind you of our shocking victory over them last season. but was it really that shocking? i don't think so. we've won three of our last four games against them and i don't see why we can't make it four out of five. sure, we'll all have to not suck so hard but i know that we're capable of not sucking so hard and that's what it's going to take!

it's not going to hurt that i'll have our new, secret weapon uniforms ready for action by then either. if anyone wants to help me silk screen tomorrow, just drop me a line.

the game's at one. please arrive early.

xo,

coach

ibuprofen

2010-03-29T11:32:00.000-04:00

we didn't play in the most ideal weather yesterday, but we did play and manage to have some fun (after the first inning) at that.

this sunday is easter; so, i don't see us planning anything for the weekend. that said, the season is rapidly approaching and it would be great if we could get out there at full strength just once.

i'm now reminded that we have a tie-dye/uniform party to plan . . . i'll have it figured out in the next few days. in the meantime, start compiling suitable articles of clothing.

i am really sore today.

the kids are alright

2010-03-22T12:24:00.000-04:00

great job, folks. i thought we looked good out there yesterday. better than that: we looked like we were having fun. having fun won't win you any ballgames but it speaks to a larger point that i haven't quite wrapped my head around.

i talked to turkey's nest and black betty yesterday to see about another scrimmage for next sunday. i know katie is set to play rbar again but i think we would be better served by mixing it up some. besides, i kind of already made plans and it would be rude of me to break them. don't worry, katie, we'll still play them twice in the regular season.

so, let's count on another scrimmage next sunday at the same time.

as for the mid-week practice, let's just go to the cages, as per katie's suggestion. thursday? if anyone feels moved to hit the fields this week, post your intentions on the site and hopefully you'll get some joiners.

again, it was great to see so many of you out there yesterday.

take care.

on-field fun dates!

2010-03-16T14:42:00.000-04:00

here's the "on-field fun date" schedule, folks.

i don't expect everyone to attend, but i'd like to see everyone out there once or twice. personally, i'm pretty eager to get out there and brush off some the the dust i've collected over the winter.

notes on wednesday parties: i'll be there at five but you should get there when you can. the sun doesn't set until seven and there will likely be another half hour of sufficient light.

notes on sundays: let me know if you'd like me to schedule more pickup games. it shouldn't be hard since i heard that everyone else was playing them last spring. yes, we were the only team to not play a preseason game.

wednesday, march 17th - five
sunday, march 21st - one (scrimmage with rbar)
wednesday, march 24th - five

this will likely continue in a similar pattern if you really talented athletes are agreeable to this plan.

please comment to express some amount of interest.

new for twenty-ten

2010-03-09T12:18:00.000-05:00

team,

i want you to remember one thing this season. win or lose, i'm going to make a killing in web-vertisements this year, ridiculing your play and rudimentary grasp of the rules. it's about time i cashed in on all the chest pain.

on three: let's go coach! one . . . two . . . threeeeeee!

i love you guys more than ever.

yours,

coach